


Big Brother

by Starlight1395



Series: Light in the Dark [11]
Category: Day6 (Band), Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Non Idol AU, Other, Panic Attacks, Self-Harm, Slight fluff, Suicidal Thoughts, Younghyun and Jisung are brothers, mild talk of sex, slightly open ending, underage drinking sort of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-28
Updated: 2019-07-28
Packaged: 2020-07-23 13:52:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,469
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20009362
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Starlight1395/pseuds/Starlight1395
Summary: Jisung was Younghyun's best friend and Younghyun was Jisung's. Even with their three year gap, the brothers were each other's rock.Younghyun would do anything for his brother, but when Jisung's depression keeps getting worse he realizes that he can't do everything alone. He can help Jisung though panic attacks and bandage his leg after a bad day, but what is Younghyun supposed to do when his brother - his best friend - says he wants to die?





	Big Brother

“Hey bro, what’s going on?” Younghyun asked as he plopped down on his younger brother’s bed. Jisung didn’t look up. In fact, he buried his face further into his pillow. Younghyun knew something was wrong the second Jisung got home from school because he slammed the door and went right to his room, not talking to anyone.

Jisung was a senior in high school, and Younghyun was going to be starting his senior year of college in the fall, but that didn’t stop the siblings from being close with each other. In fact, they were each other’s best friends. Thankfully for Younghyun, his classes let out almost a whole month before Jisung’s, so he was able to witness his brother’s senioritis hit hard in the weeks leading up to his graduation.

Jokes aside, though, Younghyun knew it was more than just senioritis that was bothering Jisung. Jisung, his normally bubbly, bright, happy brother, had been diagnosed with depressed when he was fifteen. He was thankful that Jisung trusted him as much as he did, because otherwise…

Younghyun didn’t want to think what would have happened to Jisung if the boy hadn’t had his older brother to confide in when things got really bad.

“Nothing hyung.” Jisung whispered, and Younghyun could hear the tears in his voice. He rubbed Jisung’s back gently.

“Wanna get some ice cream?” he suggested, knowing how food usually got Jisung’s attention. When the younger boy just shook his head, Younghyun’s stomach sunk. “Bud, can you look at me?”

Jisung shook his head again and Younghyun sighed silently. He wrapped his arms around Jisung’s waist and pulled the boy up. He fought his brother’s touch as first, but as soon as Younghyun tucked him under his chin, Jisung stopped wiggling. He sat there for a beat before bursting into tears.

“It’s alright Sungie, hyung is here.” Younghyun whispered, holding his brother tightly as he cried. Jisung gripped onto Younghyun’s shirt harshly, and Younghyun could feel the seams in the garment snapping but he didn’t care. It was just a shirt, and Jisung was his top priority.

“What’s wrong with me?” Jisung sobbed, his already puffy cheeks getting puffier from crying. “Oh god why am I like this? Fuck-”

“You’re okay Sungie, there’s nothing wrong with you,” Younghyun had been in this position too many times. One time was too many times, if he was being honest, but he had lost track of how many times Jisung had broken down in his arms - sobbing, begging Younghyun to fix him, begging Younghyun to hate him and the worst, begging Younghyun to let him die. That one still haunted the elder boy. “You’re okay. It’s alright to be upset. You’re not broken for feeling this way.”

“It’s been so fucking long,” Jisung curled in on himself. “Why can’t I just be okay? I’m never going to get over this! How am I supposed to survive college if I can’t- if I can’t even give a presentation without freaking out like some sort of IDIOT-”

“You’re not an idiot Jisung,” Younghyun started rocking gently. He knew if Jisung didn’t calm down soon, he would start hyperventilating and slip into a panic attack. He had a very small window of time to prevent that from happening. “Presenting is scary. Everyone freaks out when they have to talk to a crowd. There’s nothing wrong with you-”

“You know that’s a lie hyung,” Jisung cut him off, scrubbing his face with his hands. “We both know I’m fucked up. I- I need to take fucking pills to keep myself from having panic attacks and- and I’m covered in fucking scars and all of my friends freak the fuck out if they realize I’m within grabbing distance of anything sharp as if I’m going to grab the pair of fucking scissors and shove them through my eye-”

“Your medication is just to help. You wouldn’t be weak for needing medicine for a cold. Your meds just give your brain a little push so you can focus on yourself and focus on life around you. As for your scars, they don’t make you a freak and they absolutely don’t mean you’re broken. They prove that you’ve fought and healed and I think that’s amazing,” Younghyun fought against each one of Jisung’s fears. “And your friends know you wouldn’t do that. They trust you and they love you. They aren’t trying to make it seem like they don’t because they do… they’re just worried because they don’t want anything to happen to you because they love you so, so much.”

“I’m so sick of being sad all the time,” Jisung’s sobs had calmed a little but tears continued to stream down his cheeks. “I- I just want to be happy. I’m so fucking sick of being happy knowing that- knowing that it’s going to get bad again! I can’t go out with my friends without wondering when I’m going to want to cry! I can’t do anything without wanting to hurt myself! I’m so fucking sick of being myself!”

“I know Sungie, but know you’re going to be okay. It’s alright to be sad, and there’s nothing wrong with you. Your brain has a little trouble making one chemical. It doesn’t mean you’re stupid, or broken, or a fake for feeling happy. You’re going through a lot, and I’m so fucking proud of you for making it this far. You’re so strong.”

“I’m not strong,” Jisung started crying harder again. “I’m not strong at all. You shouldn’t be proud of me I’m a fucking failure-”

“You are not a failure,” Younghyun said firmly, using his hyung voice because he knew it was something that always got Jisung’s attention. “You hear me Jisung? You are NOT a failure. You’re amazing and-”

“You’re lying to make me feel better-” Jisung tried to hide his face but Younghyun wouldn’t let him. He pulled his brother so he could look the younger in the eye.

“When have I ever lied to you?” He asked seriously. Jisung sniffled and blinked as stray tears dripped down his cheeks.

“You told me you didn’t lose your virginity till college but I heard you getting fucked by your friend Johnny the day of your high school graduation.” he said, his voice rough from crying. He sniffed again, looking up at Younghyun with wide, watery eyes.

Younghyun just stared at him in horror, his face pale as he desperately tried to think of some excuse. His train of thought was cut off by the sound of Jisung chuckling in his lap. Younghyun blinked and looked down, his chest lightening when he saw his brother laughing at him.

“How did you think you were being sneaky?” He chuckled again, sniffling every few seconds.

“I- uh-” He blushed bright red. How much had Jisung heard-

“Thank you hyung,” JIsung nuzzled his nose into Younghyun’s shirt. Younghyun’s arms tightened around his brother. “I’m sorry for breaking down like this again....”

“Never apologize,” Younghyun kissed the top of his head. “Never apologize for being human, okay? I’m always here for you, no matter what.”

“Hey hyung?”

“Yeah?”

“Can we still get ice cream?”

“Of course bud.”

* * *

  
“Jisung? What are you doing?” Younghyun knocked on the bathroom door. It wasn’t unusual for his brother to spend a long time in there - from taking long baths to staging entire concerts in the mirror - but hearing a faint sobbing was never a good sign.

“Go away!” Jisung called back and Younghyun heard something clatter to the ground. Something… metallic.

His heart dropped. The last time he heard Jisung drop something metal in the bathroom, he needed three stitches on his thigh.

“Open the door,” Younghyun tried the knob. Unsurprisingly, it was locked which just made his panic skyrocket. “Jisung? Ji-JISUNG OPEN THE DOOR-”

Younghyun didn’t expect the door to fly open and he almost fell into the bathroom. He caught himself and rushed towards his brother. He only stopped to really look at the situation when he realized there was no blood anywhere on the boy’s body.

“Jisung, what-?”

“You’re literally the last person I want to talk to right now.” Jisung growled, grabbing at something on the floor. Younghyun panicked and reached for it first, grabbing the pair of scissors before Jisung could even bend completely over.

“What’s going on?” he asked, realizing what his brother had been doing.

Jisung had been growing his hair out to look like Younghyun’s. His was longer with a middle part, and it reached his shoulder. He liked to pull it back in small buns when he was cooking and his friends liked to braid it when they were bored. Jisung and Younghyun had always been told they look similar, and he wanted to grow his hair out like his brother’s because he loved his brother and looked up to Younghyun more than anyone in his life.

But now, the locks of hair were scattered across the sink. Jisung’s hair had been hacked off, the uneven ends barely past the nape of his neck. Jisung refused to look at Younghyun, angry tears running down his face as he stared pointedly at his own reflection.

“If you wanted a haircut, you could have asked me-”

“Get the fuck out hyung,” Jisung growled again and all Younghyun could do was blink. Jisung hadn’t raised his voice at the elder in years, so hearing such animosity from him startled Younghyun. “I don’t wanna talk to you.”

“What happened?”

“Go away.”

“At least let me help you even it out-”

“Please!” Jisung screamed, tears dripping onto the sink he was leaning over. “Please… just go away…”

Younghyun frowned and took the scissors from his brother and went to stand behind him. He had a good foot on the younger, so he was easily able to start trimming the uneven hair at the back of his neck. Neither spoke for a few minutes, the only sound in the bathroom being the sound of the scissors and Jisung’s soft crying. Younghyun knew Jisung hated it when he cried - said he cried too much and that he hated feeling weak - so he didn’t mention it. After about ten minutes of Younghyun silently tilting Jisung’s head from side to side to fix the massacred hair, the younger spoke.

“My teacher yelled at me,” He whispered softly. “She kept… comparing me to you. Said I was nothing compared to you. That you were so much smarter and more respectful. She said you must be so disappointed to be my brother…Said the only thing we shared was our looks and that next to you I’m just… an off brand c-copy.”

“Jisung, look at me,” Younghyun put the scissors down and waited for the younger boy to turn around. He looked good with the short hair - it was different from what Younghyun was used to but it wasn’t a bad change. “I don’t care what she says. I know exactly who you’re talking about and I can’t stand that bitch. The only reason I was so respectful was because I was always talking shit behind her back. The fact that she had the fucking audacity to say those things to you… just give me the word and I’ll go raise hell. She had no right to say that shit to you.”

“She’s right though,” Jisung’s eyes dropped as they filled with tears again. “I am a disappointment… I’m nothing like you. People always say we look the same but I’m nothing compared to you.”

“You don’t have to be like me Jisung,” Younghyun wanted to scream. How dare some hag make his brother feel like he was inferior, and use his own name to do it? “I’m not perfect either. There’s no point in comparing us because we’re both completely different people. Sure we have some similarities but we have just as many differences. You can sing and rap and write songs that make people cry.”

“My songs aren’t anywhere near as good as yours,” Jisung countered, frowning. “And everyone knows your voice is better. My vocal coach keeps letting me to try and sound more like you and it’s just so frustrating.”

“Your voice is amazing as it is Sungie,” Younghyun said softly. “Your voice is so unique and pretty and you can sing any kind of song. You want to talk about something you can do that I can’t even pretend to do? Dance.”

“I’m not that good-”

“Jisung, I can’t dance for shit,” Younghyun smiled a little. “You’re such a talented dancer it’s almost scary. Like, I don’t know how you move like that! I watch you perform and I’m genuinely blown away by how amazing you are.”

“Hyung-”

“And you’re so much cuter than I am,” Younghyun smiled a little and ruffled Jisung’s bangs. “You have this… approachable look. Everyone wants to be your friend. When I’m not paying attention to my expression, I look like I’m planning a fuckin murder. I’ve had Jae hyung and the others tell me how scary my resting face can be but you? You’re always cute and I wish I could be as cute as you sometimes.”

“I’m not that cute…” He muttered, closing his eyes tight.

“Tell that to my friends,” Younghyun laughed. “I’m pretty sure they’d trade me for you in a heartbeat. Everyone knows you’re the better brother-”

“That’s not true hyung!” Jisung cut him off, looking up quickly. “You’re great and-”

“See what I mean?” Younghyun pulled his brother into a hug. “Amazing.”

“Hyung…”

“You don’t have to be compared to me to be amazing,” Younghyun whispered into Jisung hair. He could feel the younger boy curl into the embrace. “You don’t have to me compared to me at all for anything. You’re amazing all on your own, and I’m just lucky enough to be able to call you my brother.”

“I’m sorry I yelled at you,” Jisung sniffled softly. “I just… I was just so fucking mad… I thought if I cut my hair, people would stop thinking I’m just some… badly made clone of you. Stop calling me Younghyun 2.0 or whatever…”

“If anything, I should be honored that you’re like me,” Younghyun smiled. “Because if we’re so similar, that means I have the same amazing qualities you have and that’s all I could ever ask for.”

“Ma’s gonna be pissed…” Jisung sighed heavily. Younghyun could hear the life back in the younger boy’s words and could tell they had made it out of the woods. “How am I going to explain this to her?”

“Tell her I put gum in your hair?” Younghyun suggested, causing Jisung to laugh.

“I’m sure she’d buy that one.” He shook his head.

“I could cut my hair too,” Younghyun offered. “That way she’d at least be mad at both of us.”

“I couldn’t ask you to do that,” Jisung pulled away with a serious look on his face. “I know you really like it long.”

“See, the thing is,” Younghyun smirked and bopped Jisung’s slighty red nose. “I just happen to like you slightly more, so I’d be willing to cut my hair for you.”

“Thankg hyung, but you really don’t have to.” Jisung laughed, and Younghyun could help the inaudible sigh of relief that slipped past his lips. A laughing Jisung is a happy Jisung, and a happy Jisung was a happy Younghyun.

“Come on then, let’s see if there’s any leftovers we can heat up,” Younghyun tugged Jisung from the bathroom by the ear. Jisung yelled but was smiling. He knew Younghyun would never hurt him. “Here, go make some food. I’m going to clean up the bathroom before mom gets home.”

“Thanks hyung,” Jisung stopped and smiled softly. “For… not getting mad at me for being an asshole before and for helping me and shit.”

“You know I’d help you bury a body without hesitation,” Younghyun grinned. “I’d do anything for my little bro.”

“Cheesy.” Jisung muttered as he turned away, but Younghyun could see his ears turning red. Now that his hair was short, he would be able to tell when Jisung was embarrassed much more often. Younghyun grinned as he went back to the bathroom and grabbed the dust pan from the closet to get rid of the evidence.

* * *

  
“Yo Brian, everything alright with your brother?” Jae asked as they parked the car. Younghyun had met Jae in college - even though the blond was a year older, he had taken a year off to get his life together so they were in the same level of classes. Jae had come to visit for a few days because even though they went to the same university, Jae lived about an hour away so he would come to stay for the weekend every other week or so. They had just gone out to pick up some snacks for later that night when Jae asked.

“What do you mean?”

“He’s been quiet today,” Jae frowned. He knew Jisung had a history with depression, because he had been there when Younghyun got the call that Jisung was under suicide watch after a teacher found his lyrics book filled with songs about killing himself. “And I know he tends to overthink a lot.”

“He’s been going through a tough time,” Younghyun sighed. “His depression has been hitting him hard all of a sudden. I think he’s stressed because of graduation, but he’s been having more panic attacks the last couple of days and I’m getting really worried. I’ve been trying to be subtle, but I’m really scared he’s going to relapse again.”

“Well, I’ll do my best to cheer him up while I’m here,” Jae smiled gently. “He’s my little bro too, you know? I want him to be happy as much as I want you to be happy.”

“Hyung…”

“Would you get mad at me if I bought some soju for tonight?” Jae asked with a mischievous grin.

“You wanna get my little brother drunk?” Younghyun asked with a laugh. Jae shrugged a little but didn’t stop grinning. “Do what you want, but make sure you know what you’re getting yourself into. I’ve gotten drunk with him before and lemme warn you now. Neither of us are lightweights.”

“Challenge accepted.” Jae winked and loaded several small green bottles into his basket.

“Good thing my parents are out for the weekend.” Younghyun grinned and shook his head, adding two more bottles.

“Hyung… ma’s gonna kill you.” Jisung cackled from the floor. He had been sitting on the couch, just moments before, but fell off in a fit of laughter when Younghyun tried to take a shot from a glass that Jae was holding between his lips. Both ended up with soju up their nose and a bruise on their foreheads where they sammed their faces together.

“You ain’t tellin her shit cuz then you’re gonna get grounded.” Younghyun rubbed his forehead with a scowl.

“I’m gonna… gonna tell her that her son is a fuckin LOSER!” he cackled again, falling back onto the carpet.

“I’m NOT a loser!” Younghyun yelled, trying to roll off the couch, only to fall onto one of the empty bottles and groan. “That’s gonna bruise like a bitch…”

“Hyungie, lemme sit with you…” Jisung pouted, staring up at Jae, who grinned and patted his lap easily.

“Come sit with hyung Sungie,” He said, his words slurring only slightly more than Younghyun’s. None of them were lightweights, which was concerning seeing how tipsy they all were. None of them would admit to being fully drunk, but they were maybe two or three shots away from being completely gone. “You’re so cute.”

“Thank you hyung~” Jisung plopped down on his lap and instantly flung his arms around Jae’s shoulders. “You’re really pretty too.”

“Pretty isn’t a compliment I get a whole lot.” Jae laughed, his ears turning red. “I get cute sometimes. And hot occasionally but not pretty-”

“Hyung is so pretty,” Jisung cooed, lightly rubbing his nose against Jae’s cheek. “Pretty eyes and a pretty smile and pretty hair and pretty hands that are perfect for holding and choking and-”

“Woah there, aren’t you a little young to be thinking about choking?” Jae laughed, his cheeks a soft shade of rose.

“He got laid before me,” Younghyun complained from the floor. “He fuckin… with his best friend when they were… sophmores and I didn’t get fucked until I was- was like, halfway in the grave.”

“Hyung, I’m the same age you were when you got fucked,” Jisung pouted. “Are you saying I’m old?”

“You’ve fucked?” Jae stared at Jisung with wide eyes. “You’re… you’re a baby though!”

“Hyung, I’m eighteen…” Jisung whined, resting his cheek on Jae’s shoulder. “I’m an adult… we’re literally getting drunk together.”

“Ah, you’re all grown up-” Jae pouted in return, pulling Jisung onto his lap better. Unfortunately, seeing how they were both a little tipsy, none of their limbs worked properly, which lead to Jae on his back and Jisung straddling him.

“Damn hyung all you had to do was ask.” Jisung laughed, but his face was redder than ever before. Younghyun watched from his position on the carpet with a grin. Everything was taking a few moments to register in his brain, but he thought it was kinda funny. He remembered Jisung admitting to have a small crush on Jae at one point during the first summer he came to visit, and judging by his expression that he hadn’t completely gotten over it.

“Ah, Sungie we probably shouldn’t-” Jae tried to sit up, which caused Jisung to almost tip onto the floor again. The blond moved quickly to keep Jisung from falling over once again by grabbing the boy’s waist. Younghyun and Jisung could both pinpoint the moment when Jae’s face flushed redder.

“Hyung if you wanna kiss Sungie than do it,” Younghyun called over to them. “Kisses are- are fun and makes you not sad, you know? Just- just no fuckin you hear me?”

“HYUNG!” Jisung shouted, hiding his face in Jae’s shoulder.

“I’m getting a drink,” Younghyun stood, waiting for the room to stop spinning before stumbling away. “Have fun kids!”

He surprisingly was okay with his best friend and his brother making out. He knew from personal experience how much making out with someone can make you feel better, and he knew Jae would never hurt Jisung. His brother had been so down recently, and if Jae could make him feel a little better for a little while, Younghyun was all for it.

He walked out of the kitchen with an open bottle of water in one hand and two sealed ones tucked in his other arm. He stopped in the doorway between the living room and the kitchen and leaned against the door jam, trying not to laugh.

Jae had pulled Jisung onto his lap and had his hands firmly on the younger’s hips. Jisung had his arms wrapped around Jae’s neck. Younghyun could see his friend’s tongue in his brother’s mouth and couldn’t stop a snort from echoing through the room.

“Shit!” Jisung pulled away, his eyes glassy and his lips red.

“Don’t let me ruin your fun,” Younghyun grinned and put the two bottles of water on the table in front of them. “I’m going to bed. Jae, I’ll leave the door unlocked for you.”  
Jae winked at Younghyun, who dramatically sauntered away. Jae always shared a room with him when he stayed over, and he wasn’t thinking Jae would sleep anywhere else.

Before he even made it to the top of the stairs he could hear wet sounds again and rolled his eyes with a grin. They were going to have an interesting morning.

The next morning Younghyun opened his eyes with a grimace. He wasn’t technically hungover, but he still felt like shit. He rolled over and saw Jae sleeping on the air mattress that was reserved specifically for him, Jisung sleeping peacefully in the blond’s arms. Both were wearing the clothing they had on the night before, and neither had any bruises on their necks, which put Younghyun’s mind at ease.

He slipped from the room and went to pee, splashing water on his face and taking a shot of pepto from the medicine cabinet. He threw open the door and almost walked directly into Jisung who was waiting outside for him.

“Mornin Sungie.” He yawned, pulling his brother into a short hug.

“Hyung… can we talk?” Jisung asked quietly. Younghyun frowned, never liking it when Jisung was quiet.

“Let’s go to your room,” He said quickly. He knew Jae would be dead to the world for at least two more hours so he could have a heart to heart with Jisung without worrying about having to herd his friend around. They sat on Jisung’s bed, the younger purposely leaving a space between them. “What’s wrong bud?”

“I’m sorry hyung.” Jisung whispered, pulling his knees up to his chest.

“What? Why are you sorry?” Younghyun frowned.

“I fucked up.”

“How did you fuck up?”

“I… me and Jae hyung…” He started tearing up.

“You didn’t fuck, did you?” Younghyun asked, almost completely sure he was just joking. Jisung looked up at his with such horror that Younghyun - just for a moment - worried that maybe they had fucked.

“What? No! Of course not! What the fuck?” He spluttered, and any worry in Younghyun’s chest instantly vanished.

“Then why are you apologizing?”

“Because!” Jisung buried his face in his arms. “I- I made out with your best friend! I was drunk and lonely and he was so pretty and he was such a good kisser and I know I shouldn’t have because he’s your best fucking friend and you’re my b-brother and I shouldn’t have kissed him because I’m like, a hundred percent sure that breaks bro code and-”

“Jisung slow down,” Younghyun didn’t like that Jisung was upset, but at the same time it warmed his heart to know his brother cared so much about him and his feelings. “Don’t you remember? I told you that you could.”

“I know! I still shouldn’t have done it though,” Jisung looked up and Younghyun could see the tears on his cheeks. “Even if he wasn’t your best friend, I should have kn-known better. Making out with someone… that’s not going to make me feel better! I shouldn’t have tried to use Jae hyung to fill this void I have-”

“First of all, there’s nothing wrong with having a little fun. You said he was a good kisser, right?” Younghyun cut him off. Jisung nodded hesitantly, as if he was afraid that Younghyun would be upset with him. “Just enjoy things as they happen. Did you enjoy it?”

“I mean, yeah but-”

“Then don’t stress it,” Younghyun reached and took Jisung’s hand. “As for the whole using Jae thing… trust me when I say he isn’t going to think you tried to use him. Jae hyung… he’s fairly open with his affection when it comes to people he trusts. You’re an adult and you’re allowed to kiss or hook up with or whatever with whoever you want and you don’t have to justify it to anyone. Not even yourself, you hear me?”

“I don’t want him to wake up and regret it.” Jisung whispered, covering his eyes with his free hand.

“He won’t, I promise,” Younghyun gave Jisung’s other hand a squeeze. “Though if you don’t bring it up he probably won’t talk about it. He’s the kind of person who won’t mention something in case it might upset the other person.”

“I don’t know if we should talk about it or just pretend it never happened.” Jisung muttered, rubbing his tears away with his sleeve.

“I’ll leave that up to you, but if you want me to talk to him for you I will.”

“Could you?”

“Of course Sungie, whatever you want,” Younghyun smiled at his brother, who returned it softly. “Though I have to ask… would you want anything to happen between you two now?”

“Nah,” Jisung chuckled a little. “He’s hot and is a really good kisser, but I need more of a… daddy type. He’s too much of a switch for me. ”

“Pft you know what? That’s fair.” Younghyun wanted to cackle loudly, but that would absolutely wake Jae up and then he would have to explain to his best friend that Jisung thought he was too much of a sub to consider being in a relationship with him.

“Don’t tell him I said that part through.” Jisung said through his own laughter.

“Don’t worry, I’ll save that for when I really need a good dig at him.” Younghyun grinned wickedly, causing Jisung to throw his head back. Younghyun smiled at his brother, glad to see him smiling again.

“Let’s make some coffee,” Jisung said after a moment. “I’m exhausted and I know Jae hyung’ll wake up with the smell.”

* * *

  
Younghyun realized the house was a little too quiet when he walked through the front door. His mom was out getting lunch with a friend, and his father was still at work, which means Jisung should be home alone. But it was too quiet. Especially if Jisung was home.

Jisung always blasted music when he was home - he played it even louder when he was home alone. But it was silent. Not even a creak coming from a floorboard. Younghyun dropped his bag in his room and went to knock on Jisung’s door.

He paused at the last second when he felt a shiver go through his body. It was too quiet. He tested the handle and was actually a little surprised that it was unlocked. Jisung normally didn’t lock his door, but something felt wrong. He pushed the door open and saw Jisung’s light off - Jisung hated being in the dark. He slept with a night light until four years ago.

“Sung?” he whispered softly, only to hear a shaky breath in response. Younghyun stepped into the room and closed the door behind him before flicking on the light. He walked in and saw Jisung sitting with his back against this bed in the space between the frame and the wall. It was the only place in his room that wasn’t immediately visible from the doorway.

Jisung wasn’t crying, which was something Younghyun noticed instantly. The second thing he noticed was that he was sitting with his boxers pulled up and his thigh was a mess of criss crossing lines. Younghyun didn’t say anything as he knelt next to his brother. He didn’t make a sound when he tried to take the blade away and Jisung resisted - resulting in Younghyun getting a slit on his thumb. He didn’t speak as he grabbed the box of tissues next to Jisung’s bed and started gently wiping the blood away.

It was already starting to clot, which meant Jisung had been sitting there for at least fifteen minutes after the last cut was made, staring at his wall, unable to cry. Younghyun’s eyes stung but he refused to cry. He needed to be strong for his baby brother.

Jisung didn’t say anything as Younghyun left to get the first aid kit. He bandaged his thumb first before returning to see Jisung hadn’t moved a single muscle since he left. In fact, he was surprised he was even blinking with how frozen he was.

“Sungie, can you hear me?” Younghyun asked gently as he taped the gauze down. He had gotten far too good at that in the past years. “Hyung is here bud, you’re okay now.”

“Hyung?”

“Yeah?”

“What’s the point?” His voice was so dead Younghyun felt his stomach drop.

“The point of what Sungie?”

“Waking up every day? What’s the point of everything?”

“What happened?”

“Why did I bother graduating?” Jisung asked, not waiting for Younghyun to answer. “I’ve been out of high school for literally a week and I- I honestly don’t think it was worth it. I survived… so what? Now I get to spend my entire summer working my ass off for pocket change...then I sell my soul to get loans for a degree that won’t do shit. I barely functioned in high school. How am I going to make it through college?”

“You’ll have me, remember?” Younghyun asked gently. He knew from past experiences that saying one wrong thing could escalate things in a very negative way. “We already talked to the school and you’re going to be living off campus with me and Jae hyung. They approved the accommodations and we talked to the on campus therapists when we went for your orientation. It’ll be different, but that doesn’t mean it’ll be bad. As for your degree, remember why you’re going for music?”

“Not really… It seems so pointless right now.” Jisung’s voice sounded as dead as his eyes looked and it frightened Younghyun. Jisung was a lot of things, but lifeless should never be one of them.

“You told me you were going to music production because you wanted to make songs that kids could relate to,” Younghyun recalled with a soft smile. “You wanted to write music about coping and surviving and living so kids who are going through the same things as you feel less alone.”

“That’ll never happen,” Jisung frowned. It was the most expressive thing he had done since Younghyun found him. “I know the odds of actually getting a job as a producer… it’s not even worth the debt.”

“You’re going to change so many lives Jisung,” Younghyun whispered, trying to keep the sound of his heart breaking out of his words. “You’re going to change the world someday. Right now it seems impossible but I know you can do it because you already changed my life. If you could change mine, what’s to stop you from changing the lives of others?”

“It all just seems so pointless hyung,” Jisung whispered, a tear working its way down his cheek - how had Younghyun not noticed that Jisung’s cheeks were slimming out? Had he been ignoring his brother for that long? “I… It feels like there’s this slime all over me and it’s slithering down my throat and I can’t breathe. It’s getting into my lungs and my stomach and I want to throw up and nothing makes it go away. I just wanted to be able to breathe again so I… it helped for a little bit but then I just felt even more SUFFOCATED-” Jisung slammed his fist down on his bandaged thigh before crying out. The pain was enough to break him out of whatever trance he was in, because the second the crimson started soaking into the gauze again, Jisung started sobbing loudly.

“Jisung-”

“I want to die hyung,” He sobbed, covering his face. There was blood coating his fingers that Younghyun hadn’t noticed before. “I don’t want to feel anything anymore. Nothing I do will ever mean anything and I’m so fucking sick of waking up and knowing I’m not good enough. I want to go to bed and never fucking wake up again but I can’t because I know it’ll hurt you and mom and dad and I don’t want to hurt you guys any more but it fucking hurts and I don’t know how to handle this anymore!”

“I’m here for you Jisung.” Younghyun pulled his brother into a hug, but unlike the other times he felt completely helpless. He could stop panic attacks and help Jisung through his bad thoughts but this… he was useless to Jisung. For the first time, he didn’t know what to say. For the first time, he felt like he was failing his brother.

“God I want to fucking die,” He sobbed harder, coughing violently. “Why am I still here? I don’t want to be here anymore! I wish I could just- just slit my wrists and be gone for good!”

“Please don’t say that Jisung,” Younghyun held Jisung tighter, as if he was afraid the boy would vanish completely. “Please, I need you. You can’t leave me… hyung is a selfish asshole but I need you to stay because I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

“I’m worthless hyung,” Jisung sounded so convinced that Younghyun wanted to throw up. “I’m so fucking pathetic… You shouldn’t want me to stay. I’m just a burden and everyone knows it.”

“You’re so amazing Jisung,” Younghyun cried into his brother’s hair. Hearing these words come from his brother - from his best friend in the world - was shattering his heart over and over again. He felt like he couldn’t breathe, as if Jisung’s slime was entering his own lungs and suffocating him as well. “You’re so much more than you give yourself credit for. You’re talented, and smart as fuck, and you make everyone fall in love with you… you have to stick around because you have to show your teachers that you’re not just a copy of me. You have to stay to prove to the kids that made fun of you that you’re better than them. You have to stay to prove to the world that it didn’t break you.”

Jisung didn’t respond. He just sobbed and sobbed, as if there was an entire ocean of pain trapped inside of him and he could only let it out one drop at a time. Younghyun held him the entire time, letting the younger boy know that no matter how much time passed, he would always be there. Jisung fell asleep in Younghyun’s arms, his breathing whistling softly with each exhale.

His cheeks were tacky and his nose was red. His lip was bleeding from where he would bite it in an attempt to stop the crying. Younghyun looked at his brother as he slept, trying to memorize everything about him.

He remembered when Jisung was born - vaguely, but he did remember. He was three - almost four - years old, and was excited to be a big brother. His parents always told him that he was upset at first, because he didn’t want to give up being the baby of the family, but as soon as they started getting things together for Jisung, Younghyun got more and more excited about being a hyung. He very, very faintly remembers going to the hospital to see his mom and Jisung the day he was born. He doesn’t remember much after that, but those memories were clear.

When Younghyun was in middle school and Jisung was about to go into elementary school, they fought a lot. They were constantly bickering over toys and snacks and parental affection. Younghyun learned to resent Jisung, because their parents almost always took his side even if it really was Younghyun’s turn with the ball, or if Jisung had been the one to break the picture - because Jisung was younger and Younghyun should have known better. Younghyun hated Jisung through most of his childhood.

It honestly wasn’t until he hit high school that he started to appreciate his brother a little more. Sure, there was a three year gap between them, but that didn’t stop Jisung from offering Younghyun the first player controller when the elder came home in tears. Younghyun started helping Jisung with his homework, and comforting the younger when he was teased by asshole kids who didn’t like anyone who was slightly different from them. Younghyun graduated high school right after Jisung’s freshman year, but that one year in the same school solidified their relationship. Even after Younghyun went to college nearby, the two became even closer. Younghyun was Jisung’s best friend and Jisung was Younghyun’s. They were inseparable.

But maybe Younghyun would be separated from his best friend for good if he wasn’t able to get Jisung the help he needed.

Younghyun had promised Jisung that he would never tell their parents anything the younger told him, and he had kept that promise all these years, but he prayed Jisung would forgive him for finally breaking it.

“Younghyun? What’s wrong? You never call.” His mom sounded confused when she answered the phone.

“You need to come home right now,” Younghyun whispered, his voice still heavy with tears. “It’s Jisung… he wants to kill himself and I don’t know what to do-”

“I’m on my way sweetie,” She said, somehow sounding almost calm. “Is he safe?”

“He’s sleeping now,” Younghyun swallowed thickly. “He cut really bad, but I cleaned it up. None of them needed stitches this time but… oh god mom it was so bad… I can’t- I can’t lose my brother-”

“Baby I need you to take a deep breath alright?” She said firmly. Younghyun could hear her getting into her car. “You’re not going to lose him. We’re going to talk to his doctor about getting different medication because what he’s on isn’t doing enough. Then we’re going to get him to talk to someone… the last time he did inpatient it seemed to really help, so we’ll see what programs would help him most.”

“Mom…”

“You’re so strong baby. I’m so proud of you. I’ll be home soon okay? I’ll call your father and tell him what happened. Just… keep an eye on him until we get back, okay? Don’t leave him alone.”

“I won’t.”

“Love you baby. I’ll be back soon.”

* * *

  
“Hyung, do you think this looks stupid?” Jisung asked as he tucked the corner of his comforter into the mattress. He was finally moving into the apartment that he, Younghyun, Jae and their college friend Sungjin were renting together. Classes didn’t start for another week, but they all wanted to give him a chance to get used to living there before things got stressful.

“Why would it look stupid?” Younghyun asked.

“Because my bed set is grey toned and everything else is pastels.” Jisung huffed, gesturing to the rugs, curtains, and various other items around his room that were either pastel pink, blue or yellow.

“I think if you got a pastel colored throw pillow for your bed it’ll look perfect,” Younghyun said after a moment of thinking. “It’ll bring everything together nicely. You can’t really clash with grey to be honest.”

“You’re right,” Jisung nodded with a smile. “We can go shopping after Jae hyung gets back.”

“Alrighty, you finish unpacking and I’ll let you know when he’s back.” Younghyun closed the door.

It was nice having Jisung room with them. Not only was it nice to have his best friends in the same apartment as him, it was also reassuring to know Jisung was close in case something went wrong.

Jisung had spent a majority of the summer at an inpatient program, only coming home for the weekends. It was lonely without him, but Younghyun could see the changes in his brother with each visit. He was gaining weight back, and was smiling more. He had made friends with some of the other kids there and kept in contact with most of them. One of the boys - Chan, Younghyun remembered - was actually going to the same school as them and was in the same major as Jisung.

He was so proud of his baby brother. He had been willing to work on things, and Younghyun honestly couldn’t remember the last time Jisung was this genuinely happy.

He had been worried at first, that things would be weird between Jisung and Jae but it turned out Jae felt the same way Jisung had. He had confessed - after a lot of blushing and stuttering - that he also needed someone with a more dominant personality, and it wasn’t that he didn’t like Jisung, it was just that they were too similar in that aspect to be good in a relationship together.

Turns out he didn’t even have to worry about that anyway, because Jisung apparently found a cute older boy to crush on. He refused to tell Younghyun about the boy but let slip that he was a dance major and was the prettiest person Jisung had ever seen.

“Jisung, wanna grab some food before Jae hyung gets home?” Younghyun knocked on his brother’s door. “God knows if he came with us he’d take eight years deciding where to go.”

“I don’t know how he’s alive with all his allergies,” Jisung opened the door with a chuckle. “But yeah I’m down. What are you in the mood for?”

“I’m good with anything so it’s up to you.”

“Burgers?” Jisung slipped his shoes on.

“Burgers sounds good with me.” Younghyun grinned as he did the same, texting Jae and telling him not to wait for them to eat. As they walked to the fast food place across campus, Younghyun slung his arm over Jisung’s shoulders, leaning on the younger as they went. Jisung complained lightly before smiling. As much as Younghyun teased him, Jisung knew he meant well.

They were best friends after all.

**Author's Note:**

> Wow I love projecting. I wrote all of this today instead of working on the short twitter prompts i promised I would do or the next chapter of Good Dogs Don't Bite because I wanted some variety and my group chat mentioned the other Jisung-Younghyun brothers fic I wrote a while back and BAM this monstrosity was written!
> 
> Also it's like 130 am so if I missed something I should tag lemme know I don't want anyone to get triggered or upset by something I didn't think to tag.


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